8 YEARS, 0 MTHS, 0 DAYS LATER.
AUG 25 1997, I got my first glimpse of my Promised Land. Of course, I was much younger, and still believed Yankey was paradise. This is not about the disillusionment of that ridiculous concept, but to remember the day my deepest innermost dream came true beyond my wildest expectations.
I would like to think that it's the same God who made it all happen that I pray to now. I wanted this blog to be about what He hath done for me and also to remember the day which happened when I thought it never would.
I'd like to say, before I go any deeper, that I've been struggling, really struggling, hold on to God. I give Him this; He's been showing me things that are up to me to interpret. Signs that He's got this, or mere coincidences. It bothers the hell out of me that I've become so jaded that I just can't believe that what I want is mine, or that God is there for me, no matter what.
This is what I've been afraid of. I know I prayed and prayed that it won't happen. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Bullish. I'm living proof that that line is total garbage. The hell I've been through hasn't killed me, no, but what it has done to me, death would be an act of mercy. It didn't kill me, just crippled the hell out of me. I can't trust, can't believe, faith is shot to hell. Fear and Paranoia are my daily companions. Wet pillows, no appetite, no sleep, just a deep dark place. Sure, it didn't kill me, but just how much stronger am I?
I prayed every day that my experiences wouldn't destroy me so much that I would be of no good to anyone, not God, my husband, my family. But it seems God was on vacation when I prayed that prayer, cos it seems I'm headed in that direction, if He doesn't intervene.
I just can't seem to let go of my past, experiences with Mill, especially Ren, and Stan himself, have rendered me totally incapable of looking up to heaven, placing it all in His hands and letting it go.
I really hate it. What does it say for the Christian that I am, to pray day and night to God, but still look over my shoulder?
My summer has been one of the cruellest I've ever had. This shit started out on the Ren level, but it's stretching itself to Mill proportions. I doubt I lost that much weight and cried that much with Ren. I also doubt I did that much crying with Mill. No, the pain at that time was a big old cold lump in my chest.
Anyway, life with Stan has been... Oh God, there's no word for it. I kind of think it's mostly self-inflicted. My reactions to situations are sometimes extreme, but I know it's bcos of the things Stan has said and done. I don't know if they're signs from God to bail or just silly things men say and do.
At the end of it all, it's God I want to see. Things have happened to convince me of His prescence but my heart and mind just can't let go of all my injuries and scars to be able to see. I just wish He would go the extra mile and gently remove my hands from what I'm clutching so tightly and help me see. I know I don't deserve it but ... I really wish He would. Cos I really want me and Stan to work.
Which brings me to why I'm blogging. When I prayed to get to come here, He didn't ( THIS JUST OCCURRED TO ME) give me something other than what I had prayed for, saying that it was best for me. I just realized that. He took me straight to the place I had longed for. Wow. Had a talk with Jennifer last night, her faith and optimism was awesome. Felt like the voice of God. Made me have wierd dreams. Saw my dead uncle singing to my soul, called me by my soul name and telling me it would be okay. Wow.
"Count your blessings and it would surprise you what the Lord hath done".
Wanted to do that with this blog but shit and my hormones (and I suspect my demons as well) took over and I got to venting.
I will keep praying even though I've been told to pray once and let it go. I will keep praying and try to refrain from deceit, and some of my other vices.
Please God, let it be.