WAITING IT OUT.
Sat night. A little exhausted. A lot amazed. Blogging is a really good tool. I have been seeing a lot of similarities b/n now and when I was dealing with Ren. Almost two years to the dates. I mean, the shit is happening again. And they're bizarrely( a real word) happening damn near the same dates. For example, my first encounter with Ren happened mid June 2003. Bam, Stan was here around the same time. The day I decided to put Ren through the grill and not take any of his phone calls was first weekend after July 4. Guess when I decided I had truly had enought of these creatures. Same time. First wkend after July 4. I was unaware of all this till I started thinking things out. And a whole lot more light has been shed on me and my pysche at the time I was dealing with Ren. Yup, I've been reading the blogs I posted during that ordeal. It's like I wrote the same thoughts I'm having now. Like "how the hell did I get back here, and so fast?".
Somehow, in a twisted way, it's helping me deal with my Stan situation. I see that all this shit has happened before. And I'd really like to pray that, that was the reason why Ren's useless ass came into my life( Lord knows I've pondered that question about fify times). He came to prepare me to deal with Stan. I mean, I've been hearing his voice echo in my head when I feel like complaining about Stanley. Something just holds me back; I hear Ren reminding me how all my complaining and mistrust was pushing him away. Of course, in his case I was right. In Stan's case, well I don't know. The old questions are there, by instinct or by paranoia. I have yet to tell. My trust issues have rendered my guts feelings null and void.
Ren made me question my guts, and I still hold it against him for that, the ass wipe. Now that I can't be bothered with him, he's realized that he still likes me. And he has a girlfriend. So, was I right all along about his trifling ass or what?
Anyway, so Kofi tells me to give Stan a bit more rope. He asked me exactly what had happened to make me think about writing Stan off like that. I couldn't tell him. It's not just one thing. It's a lot, a whole lot of little things. I tell Kofi about the comment Stan made regarding what a man sometimes does when his woman is not around. Kofi thought that was cold. And a couple of other things. He started to tell me to be a bit more cautious. He didn't know it was Stan I was talking about. He changed his freaking tune when I told him. He got all googly eyed, telling me that was sooo cute. Us old flame lovebirds together again. That's why I don't tell him nuthin. Anyway, he says give Stan more rope to hang hisself.
So I'm like whatever. I turn my phone off Sun morn. Stan has gone out of town and I didn't hear from him all weekend. I was pissed. The voices told me he was out there doing God knows what, with God knows who, at God know where. He calls and calls and calls. I ignore him. He keeps calling till I crumble, pick up the phone and his first words are" If you don't want to talk to me...". I cut him off. " And why wouldn't I want to? Do you think you've done something wrong? Huh? Tell me, Stan, do you feel I shouldn't be speaking to you or something?"
Anyways, we're talking and I don't know where it comes from , but suddenly everything spills out, I tell him how I feel and the craziness of it all. My world has spun out of control, way off axis, and I can't balance anything. I'm vunerable as hell, fear and paranoia are driving me directly into a straitjacket.
"You are special as hell to me, Stan, but if this how it's going to be, I don't think I can hang. Gotta go my way and you go yours."
He wants to know where all this is coming from. "Is it because I went out of town?" I say, "It's not that you went out of town so much as telling me on Thurs night, hey gotta go pee, will call you back, and now it's Sunday.
Yeah, I know you have serious sleep problems; I've seen you in action, you're damn near narcoleptic, but, when you know someone, esp me, is waiting for you to call 'em back, ain't no way you shd be able to fall asleep. Hell, you shd be having nightmares which will raise your sleepy ass right back up and make the call.
Unless of course, your trifling behind KNOWS you have to call me back but you decide, man, I'm too tired to make that call. Then, I gotta ask you, exactly how much pull do I have, where you're concerned?"
He says, "oh come on baby..(Don't baby me) If only you knew how special you are to me as well. Listen, I'm not doing anything I'm not supposed to be doing. I'm not messing around or whatever you're scared of. I went to see my old buddy like I said. You can ask Belinda and Joe, we called them, my buddy wanted to speak to them. My dad is as pissed off with me as you are, I didn't call him as well when I got there. Please don't be mad at me, I'm sorry, I really am."
I feel my anger make like butter on hot toast. But I say, "dude, what is the deal with you? You HAVE to learn to keep communication lines flowing. Especially with all the crazy things going on."
Then I bring up the other things I need to get off my chest. I say, "I mean, I really don't know what to think now. You think I'm paranoid? Wouldn't you be if the guy you call yourself involved with tells you some shit(within couple of weeks after he tells you he still has feelings for you) like 'Oh yeah, one of my friends asked me to get her a vibrator and when I delivered it, she tried it out right in front of me, and I'd have hopped on that junt if I had brought rubbers with me.' Tell me Stan, what kind of bullshit is that?"
He says."Oh, God. Listen. Nothing happened." Okay, and what about the killer, " What's a man to do when his woman is not around?"
Stan says" You know all that's just talk. I was just running my mouth." I say "I don't know that. You've got my mind all twisted up. All this roller coaster crap. I have no idea what to do, nor how to do it."
He says" There's nothing you have to do. I'm really sorry for being so stupid. I say a lot of bull, I had no idea the effect it was having on you. Please forgive me."
I say okay, nuff said. We change the subject.
Note well: This conversation was paraphrased. Not all quotes were as quoted, but most of the story is the same.
I go to sleep that night and am woken up by Stan, and like a little b4 midnight. He says he can't sleep. I ask why? He says"cos you're pissed off at me"
My lips stretch till they can stretch no farther. Oh, Baby Love.
But I'm cool, I say, I'm not, Stan, go back to sleep. He says are you sure?
I say yeah. He says "I'll call you later today."
What I really wanna say will run him off faster than a scalded cat. So I simply say. "okay, goodnight Stan."
Whew! I almost told the boy I loved him.