2ND TIME AROUND...the heart is not so smart.
INDEED.
So here I am, again. Bleeding inside for the same boy again, the boy who first showed me how it felt to bleed inside. Yeah, him.
Been home. Travelled over the continents, went to visit my folks shortly after Val's Day. If it hadn't been for me getting to see my family and friends again, the whole trip would have sucked ass. Hell, as I write, I still feel I could have kept my damn money. The country that raised and nurtured me appeared like a stranger, a familiar stranger but a stranger nonetheless. I was disoriented most of the time. I couldn't tell if I had been away too long this time or I didn't have that much fun bcos there was no guy I was crushing on this time. See, since I left, that place has always had a draw becos there was always a guy. Now that that attracting factor was missing, I realized I was staring at the Ghana that made me want to escape in the first place. Sure I kicked it with my old friends and made new ones, but the salt, the flava, was missing. The place had changed, and so had I. I mean, I dream of my old neighborhood all the time, but that place, where some (not all) of me had been formed, was nothing like I remembered. Even the untouched parts. That shows just how much I've changed. Yup, good old USA. Turned me and others like me into a hybrid. Don't belong here, don't belong home neither. Always in limbo, in a twilight zone, always disoriented where we are. But I digress.
On my way back here, on the plane I was wondering, what now. It's been my life's mission for the past three yrs to go home. Every thing I did, I did with that focus in mind. Okay so that's over. NOW WHAT?
Oh, what indeed.
Well, God showedme what. To start with I was able to go to work for a week before this monster virus flu leveled me flat and I had to stay down for more than a week. Hell, I went to to the doctor's twice, once of the the visits on my birthday. I was cramping as well. Oh yeah, it was a regular fun party.
Now, sometime, I think starting last summer or fall, I realized I had started thinking about Stan a lot. Suddenly all these fond memories of the one big crush I had had who turned out to like me as well. Couldn't get him off my mind. Matter of fact, I realized I was talking about him a lot. Especially to Pete. Everytime he and I talked on the phone Stan's name would come up. So much so that, one time Pete just came out and said, "you miss him, don't you?" And I couldn't lie, I said yeah. And Pete says," Well, why don't you call him up?" I realized I would be too nervous to; besides I didn't know what I had done with his number. Then I also realized I had to do a little research to see if he was with anyone or not. I was thinking that by now, at our age, if he was with anyone, more than likely it wasn't casual. Then came the realization that I really hated the idea. That threw me for a loop. I mean, I had no idea where the hell these feelings were coming from. Do you know how many times Pete and a coupla others, like my crazy brother, had told me I still had feelings for Stan, and not only would I say no, but add a hefty dose of hell, as in"hell, no!". But here I was, mulling and unable to get him of my mind.
I always meant to call his sister thems in VA and ask about him and so on, but I kept on putting it off. In retrospect, I guess I wasn't ready for the answer to what I was dying to know. So time goes by, I move, get my own place, see Juan, who distracts me from Stan awhile.
Now here's the wierd part. So you already know I had started thinking about Stan. Now that I'm reviewing all the events and how they all played out, I'm more and more convinced that there are no accidents and coincidences. (Refer to my blog on Life, Destiny and the World as a stage) I really think that God was preparing my mind and heart for what was to come.
Now, I had also met a really adorable person at the HD whose baby I would have had(just kidding) if he didn't have two counts against him. White and only 23. Not his fault I know, but, he wasn't to be the one. When I first laid eyes on him, my first thought was of Stan. This was weeks after Juan had temporarily kicked Stan out of my psyche. He and Stan could have been brothers if Stan had been couple of shades lighter. That was the draw I had to him. And ironic as life is, Stephen called himself having a crush on me. We became so inseparable, I was amazed there weren't rumors all over the store about us. We really clicked, but I told him what he wanted wasn't gonna happen.
Then I go home. I had been meaning to call Belinda and Joe to see just in case Stan might be home as well, so I could go find him. Went home without doing all that. Then I come back, THEN call them. First thing Joe says is "you know your friend is here". I couldn't believe it. I was stunned. But I'm cool, I askwhere he is. I find out that he hasn't actually made it in yet, and even then, he will be transiting to Atl. I tell Joey about what I had meaning to do all along, how I'd chickened out and tell him to tell Stan to call me when he finally gets there.
I get really sick the next day, and am floored that whole week. Sat, I have company, my family and coupla friend come t0 visit me and my phone rings. I hear that voice on the other line and I could have sworn some of that flu started oozing away. IT'S NOT IN MY HEAD. I got all googly eyed and did all that "hey, you" and smiling non-stop.
I'm sure my cousins were wondering what the hell...? Anyway, I had to get off the phone cos of I had company and he tells me he's leaving the next day. Of course, I was disappointed. I ask him to call when he gets back to London.
Now, how the hell does hearing from a person make you feel so good when all the previous times I had heard from him didn't have the same effect?
I wanna say it's all the time and distance but check this out:
I had last seen Stan in 1997. We spoke in again I think in 1998, then 1999. On and off. It was more like hearing from a good pal. Hell, I remember being a little irritated more than once on some occasions when he called. Some of his questions, let's just say it took me some time to understand him. Then I think it wasn't till 2003 that we really talked. So I'd say there had been gaps of over three yrs.
He had been at home at the same time I went in 2000. He came looking for me but missed me. I don't remember jumping thru any hoops to make contact. I had Eddy in my face at the time. Lord.
Stan called me when he got here in 03. I was bleeding for Mill then, but would talk to Stan most nights while he was in Chi-town. And all he'd do was talk like we were still together. I used to shake my head in amusement. I got to learn a little about him and told him what I was going thru then. He was really sympathetic, really wanted to see me and did all he could persuade me to come up there.
Oh, God was really working then. I didn't go becos I was unsure what he looked like. Yeah, superficial as hell, but with recent disappointments over how the cuties back in the day looked not so hot...Case in point- Harry and Ray. Nuff said. I tried to get Stan to send me a photo. He hemmed and hawwed and promised and on and on. So I didn't get to see what he looked like. Then Becky tells me "Girl, don't pay him no mind. Tell him to leave you alone, you're married now. Besides, he doesn't look so hot now(EEEKK!!!), he's gained all that weight with some really fat cheeks and this beard, and...oh, he just looks a mess."
I'm like damn, damn, damn!! Then a thought occurs to me. So I ask Becky, have you ever thought Stan was attractive? She says "yeah". I don't ever remember that. Becky always used ro roast that boy to death. But now she says yeah, he was cute back then but now..uh uh.
Like I said, God HAD to be working then. Cos if my ass had made it up there to Chicago and laid eyes on him, my ass would have been green cardless by now and Ren wouldn't have happened. Oh yeah. I'll tell you about what happened to me when I laid eyes on Stan after 8 yrs.
But funny, I remember thinking even after all Becky said, that ain't no way Stan would ever look that bad for me not to be attracted to him. Don't know why, but I was thinking that and...oh, God was really working.
So, I finally hear his baritone after only two years and the feeling slides all over me like some really sexy electricity(HUH?).
He calls me a couple of days after that, when he gets back to the UK and thus begins my story. March 21. I haven't been the same ever since.
TO BE CONTINUED....

 
UNTITLED.
Funny, real funny, how things work out. I've had such an emotionally and physically exhausting six months since I last blogged here that I have been reaching deep in the past, trying to see exactly where my mind lay before it all happened and most of the time I realized I drew a blank. It was like I hadn't even existed before my Brown Eyed Boy, Walt Baby Love, waltzed his way back in to my head, my life and of course that forever damning muscle, heart. I'm seriously contemplating having a lobotomy, but I think when it comes down to it, if my body could survive and perform its functions normally on its own, I'd select to have my frigging heart to be removed anyday instead of parts of my brain. God knows my mind never did me no harm.
So, I've been wondering how my life used to be before I fell in love again with my first love and my first heartbreak.
Then I decide I've gathered enuff strength( sometimes I need to stabilize my emotions b4 I come here, things on my mind being to darn painful for me to ponder and write about. Hence the long gaps.) to come and and record my life for the past half yr, and then I see that my last blog was right around the time I've been wondering about.
So now I know. I had Juan and nothing major on my mind. Wow.
And I thought I was hurting.