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Sheesh! Where the hell did all the time go? I could sworn I blogged a little over three weeks ago, but I just discovered it's been damn near two months.
The time which has passed since I last wrote in you, journal, has been mind numbing, for lack of a better description. Ren decided to make the break up difficult for me. I mean, how do you tear yourself away form someone you still have feelings for? And not any old crush hush puppy feelings. Not affection, not love, I don't know what the hell it is but I'll tell you this. When I made the decision to kiss Ren goodbye, (tenderly) I knew it was going to be hard. I just didn't know it was would be damn near imposssible.
Check this: I decided not to tell him I was going to be in VA for the beginning of my stay in the Burgh. I just pictured this situation where he would take for granted (which he did) that I would be in the Burgh, just chilling and hanging out, with nothing else to do but wait for him to come back from VA ,and then he shows up and bam! Trish is nowhere to be found. He asks about me and he is told I'm gone and then he crumples with disappointment and proceeds to blow up my phone.
I'm either psychic or the man is just too goddamn predictable for his own good. Cos that's exactly how it happened, even better.
Before I go any further, why the hell would I be fantasizing about something like that happening? I mean, why the bother? Sister, if you still have feelings for someone, you do the most bizarre things. The day I decided to walk away frme Ren, I cried like I had lost a child.
I hurt so bad it was damn near physical. I mean, I was cold all over, shivering inside, had the runs. lost my appetite. All over one person. Emotional pain manifests itself on many levels, whatever the hell that means. But I digress. On that day Mon Nov 3, I got prayed for by Pete, good ol' Pete, and coupla days after that, I started feeling better. Hell, I felt strong. Suddenly I felt all liberated , didn't feel like anwering Ren when he called. I mean, I never thought those words would come out my mouth, but suddenly his call started getting tiresome, too long, for me . Me who used to crave every moment with Ren on the phone. I mean I wasn't answering his call because it would hurt me, but becos I started finding no interest whatsoever in what he was saying.
But of course, my life being what it is, suddenly Ren was actually talking to me. I mean hold thirty minute converstations with me about life in general. We atually got quite chatty and even friendly. A side to the guy I was oblivious about. I mean, not even at our most dramatic moments would we have conversations that long. I guess I knew what he was doing on a subconscoius level but was still powerless to stop it.
ANYWAYS! My fantasy about the VA trip came true even better than I had imagined it. Cos according to reports, Barb really rubbed his face in it when she told him I wan't there. And when he expressed his surprise, she asked him if it was information that he was supposed, no, entitled to know or something. Isn't my dear coz a doll? she's the original bad ass, I'll tell u.
anyway. so I come back from VA all satisfied and shit, positively convinced that I was all over him. ERRRNNNG!!! Wrong answer.
In retrospect, I don't know if it was all a ploy, but Ren showed up, I saw him, (after trying my darnest best not to look too hard at him) and was right back at sqare one. I didn't know it then. He oozled his way back into my psche. I would have used slithered, but I prefer not the use slither and me in one sentence.
So yeah, he made it back in, and suddenly yanked himself out. I'll tell you all about my having to reroute my Xmas vac from the Burgh to Jersey, from where I write.
I'll say this, though. This final goodbye, I'm taking this final goodbye reeaaallly hard. I mean I couldn't stop crying up till yesterday. Could be the PMS, I don't know, but this is damn near killing me. Never have I had such a hard time walking away.