LEAVE TONITE, OR LIVE AND DIE THIS WAY
All that damn crap I've been going thru this week has had this song by Tracy Chapman running around in my head.
FAST CAR.....You gotta make a decision. Leave tonight or live and die this way.
How many times have I made that decision to cut Ren outta my life? It's been so many I've lost count. I'm really sure anyone with some sense who's read my rantings about the guy is probably sick and tired of hearing about it. Leave the mutha already!
I know, I know. After this morning's converse I had with him, I realized two things:
1) He's history
2) I think I love him.
There, I've said it. It's cleansing. This purging thing.
Now, I have a problem. Letting him go won't be so easy cos:
1) He's firmly stuck under my skin
2) I'm firmly stuck under his
3) He won't let me go.
I'm saying this cos after the weekend where he tried to blow my phone up and almost got me in trouble by calling Mill's pone three times, I realized what I was up against. Last Sun I call him and he tells me he'll call me back. He doesn't.
This is the same dude who whined all the time that I didn't call him enuff. So I do and this is the thanks I get? See, I tell myself, that's why I don't call the bastard.
I fume and cry all Monday. I don't cry so much cos of him, but bcos there's goes another one I'm going to work hard to get myself over. Another one that I have to let go. I started wondering just how many times I was going to have to go through this kind of shit and my pre-menstrual hormones, the really emotional ones, released the flood gates. When Pete called me, (I had been really mean to him earlier on Sat but he called me anyway)I could barely talk, I was so choked up. I went thru another tearful apology to Pete about my stank 'tude and chalked it down to PMS. He was magnanimous, as usual.
Anyway, he begins to talk me thru my torture and I calm down a bit. Then I see Ren's # flashing on my caller ID. I would have ignored it if I hadn't given him a really brusque call earlier that evening where I had been cold to the point of bitchy. He had tried to play things down. I interrupt and say "Whatever, call me when you have the time, Aight!" and hang up in his face. I'm sure the brother was intrigued. To say the least. So I see him on the CID and tell Pete I'll call him later.
Ren asks me why I behaved so coldly to him. And you know what, he spoke as meekly as a lamb. Stopped me dead in my tracks. I was nonplussed at the least. Suddenly, I look and feel like a real bitch. Here I was, all set with my "you can kiss my ass and eat shit" speech ready and Ren is quietly asking me why I behaved like that. You know, like he was really hurt. Now, if you know this nigga, he barely gets this docile. So now, I'm like what the hell? And then reminiscent of a converse I've had with him months b4, I plod on. I give him my little speech, albeit in a nicer tone.
All Ren says is what he thinks will be the solution to the problem.
"I'm just going to have to call you more." Stops me dead again. I have just old this guy I don't think he's ready for me, I'm too vulnerable around him,I'm giving him the easy way out , keeping up with him is wearing me out and all he can come up with it is that nonsense. I realize he thinks it's bcos he didn't calll me. That's not it
You see, this past month, there's been mornings when Ren called me to say Good Morning. Sometimes called just to hear my voice. Sometimes called to say goodnight. There were things he did that were reminiscent of Pete style. Then there are times that I swear the guy makes a jackass look like Ghandi.
I realize now that that's the way Ren goes. That's who he is. And I would have accepted that about him if I was secure where was concerned. As it is, I'm not and like I told him, trying to keep my head up and keep up with him is wearing me out emotionally.
When I steel my self and shut him out, he fawns like a damn hen, when I open up to him, it brings the jackass out in him.
I think I've had enough. He finally calls this morning and I tell him I'm in ATL. Much as he tries to disguise it, it upsets him. Now what kinda crap is that. My cousins know more about Ren's feelings for me than I do. That is just not gonna work.
I told God He has to give me, no, infuse my whole being with strength to do this. Put Ren in my history books. I have no idea how I'm going to pull it off, considering the revelation I had this morning,(I guess, though, that I've known it for a while)
I have to make that decision, or live and die this way.