SELLOUT?
Okay, so I'm sitting here and something occurs to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all good and fine to be an independent woman and not need any type of male input for nothing. Matter of fact, I know sisters( and I mean all kinds of women, not just the ones of Nubia) who will swear on their uteruses that men begone! Don't need those punks for nothing. That's all well and good.
I mean, I'm totally for being liberated and loving myself first and everyone else second. I've done some of what these indy women have done and achieved some of what defines an Independent Woman.
So let me ask this question: Why is that you feel so bereft when the male influence in your life fizzles out? I'm not just talking bed partners, spouses and boyfriends. I'm including brothers, fathers, buddies, cousins, uncles, all the male presence in your life. I've seen women who have had it so up to their eyeballs in crap from the opposite sex (bosses, spouses, classmates, boyfriends, etc) that they develop an aversion to Y-chromosomes. I'm willing to put all my money on it: they end up having a tasteless life. We all need each other. Unless you decide to turn gay, (even then, you still feel the absence of the opposite sex) you can't completely shut these men out. Yeah, I know, can't live with them, can't live without em.
This is where the cop out comes in. Sisters are going to call me names. I don't think I'm selling out though. From a strictly feminine point of view, it's my personal opinion that we have a man-shaped hole inside of us. Literally and metaphorically. You know the literal part I'm talking about. Even if you want to dispute what I'm saying by brandishing what you bought from the novelty store, take a long, hard(no pun intended) look at your battery operated toy and tell me what it was modeled after. Remember, I said the hole in us is man-shaped. Nuff said about that.
For real, though, we've all got a void in there somewhere which can only be filled by a man. Deny it all you want. You know what I'm talking about. After you've got all you want and need, when all the spaces in your life have been filled, leaving that one particular out is a bitch. If I'm lying, how come you get that glow inside and on your face when you fill that particular space? Huh? Why does the sun shine brighter, your laugh get lighter, your sleep get deeper, your whole body come alive? Could it be that your senses are reacting to all that adrenaline and stimulation that you're getting from just the idea that, oooh girl, that hole has been filled? I wonder why your heart pumps out all that oxygen and blood at just the mere thought of him. Are your organs and arteries in some kind of conspiracy or Your Maker, aka Creator of the Man-Shaped Hole, configured you to be like that? That Creator above, dude, He knows what He's doing. He hooked it up in such a way that life is reproduced as a result of that hole being filled, peace settles on you because that hole's been filled, happiness, all the enchillada. Oh, wow. And we said we didn't need these men?
Who are we kidding? We play a fundamental role in their lives. Their survival depends on us. But you know the funny thing, they've already conceded to that fact. It is a rare man who denounces every female in his life. Even the flaming faggot has to have a model to shape his life after. So why are we women so adamant about excluding these males in our existence, huh?
Bottom line: they don't define us, no fucking way, but they sure as hell complete us.

 
THE THINGS MEN SAY
Everyone knows I love BBMAK. This is why:

I'M NOT IN LOVE by BB MAK
Don't think that you got me, girl
Don't think you can tame me and change me
Don't think that it's all becos of you
Just because I don't run around
Just because we're forever together
Don't you think of a four-letter word to use

So what if I just don't want anybody else but you?
So what if you're all that I ever really wanna do?
I know what you're thinking, but that doesn't make it true
Believe me baby:
I'M NOT IN LOVE, NO NOT AT ALL
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU MADE ME FALL
I SLIPPED, BUT NO, I'M NOT IN LOVE

WHAT IF I JUST CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT?
I SEE YOUR FACE IN THE STARRY SKIES
SO HIGH ABOVE....
BUT GIRL I'M NOT IN LOVE
Don't think that you got it made
Don't think it's so easy to keep me
You never know, it could all just fade away


Yeah, I love BBMAK. That is why. They're men; they know how their gender thinks. I think they hit it right on the head with this here song.
Oh, the things these men say........

 
TO CRY OR NOT TO CRY......
I'm pondering whether to do that or not. I'm also wondering if he's worth fighting for or not. Sometimes heart takes over head and vice versa. It's supposed to work out all to the good. But right now, as I write, I have no idea which organ I should allow to handle my situation. My heart or my brain. Either way I could get really screwed or victorious.
My head told me to give it all up and let Ren go. At some point my heart agreed cos I guess it didn't want to go through the Mill experience again. But it's hard to cos my heart is still stuck on Ren like BandAid. He still has huge chunks of it and the reclaiming process is proving to be not easy. Or maybe I'm not fighting hard enuff. But the battle lines have been drawn. I have learnt my lesson with Mill. When a guy tells you he can't get serious with you, that's exactly what he's trying to tell you. No ambiguity about that. According to Honey Magazine, guys don't mince words like us. They're usually very straightfoward especially when it comes to things like relationships. They'll never tell you they don't want when they do. So why am I even contemplating what to do?
Ren specifically told me and my cousins that he liked me but couldn't get serious cos of my situation, the messsage can't get any clearer than that. Even Helen Keller couldn't miss it.
I feel like singing Tina Turner on "What's Love Got to Do With It"
"I don't care who's going right, I don't really wanna fight no more, cos it's time for letting go"
Rachel thinks otherwise, though. She thinks that becos dude still likes me, I should work on it. That means I would have to be the one to create whatever semblace of a relationship that should develop and I'll be the glue that would be putting it together. I did that with Mill; it wore me out. Oh, the insecurity and the madness of it all!
Frankly, the fight for that kinda thing is gone out of me. The next time I get with a man, I need to know where it's headed b4 I get all involved. Kinda like the way Pete is doing things. He's let me know how he feels about me from day one and he's still singing the same song. After 8 years. No ambiguity there.
I'm gonna say it again. There is something fundamentally wrong with me not to invest my feelings in this guy. He is tailored, custom made for but, in the words of NSync:
"but to be honest there's just one thing, a part that's missing, you don't seem to care at all"
Wow. Amazing. I've gone out with all kinds of shmuck losers and even fallen for some and got my feelings hurt, but have somehow I've carefully managed to avoid the one guy I know will treat me like a queen. Oh, yeah, I'm messed up alright.
So yeah, to cry or not to cry? Last time a guy told me he didn't want to get serious with me, I didn't listen; all I saw were his actions which, I figured to be louder than his words, and I paid an almost suicidal price for it. No one is worth that kind of pain,unless of course they've volunteered to be hung on a cross with nails piercing their hands and feet with their lifeblood slowly draining out of them.
So to cry or not to cry? I think I'll opt not to cry. Will be a bitch of a battle but since the lines have already been drawn and battlecry sounded I have no choice but to take the call to arms.
So help me God.