SOME MORE ECHOES....
See, while Ren is not doing all he's supposed to do and therefore plunging me into the "don't give a crap about him" mode, Pete is doing it all, and the echoes of angels from Vertical Horizon still keep ringing around my head. I wonder why, why why? The dude barely means anything to me. But we've already talked about that. The shit's still the same. It's gotten to the extent that he started getting on my nerves with all those bothersome phonecalls. Only Ren, Paanii and very few folks have my work #. They barely use it, so when this nigger lays hands on it and calls me every other minute, it starts irritating the piss outta me, 'specially when I pick up the phone hoping it's Ren and it's Bugaboo on the line. I had to cut that foolishness short, though, one time. He finally gets the message and the crap is eased up.
If Ren had been up to par and bombarding me with all those phone calls, I'm sure we'd be having wedding discussions by now. I mean even all our drama, we kinda did. Ain't that something. All I can say is, if brother man stepped up to his bizness and even did half of what Pete is bombarding me with now, I'd be hooked. Anyway, I guess they're different men with different approaches.
If only....

 
REFLECTIONS OF A RACING MIND
I've decided to come back and blog some more cos I still have a lot to say and I just couldn't find time strength and space to put it all in yesterday's blog. Like you know, I'm at a point in my life where I'm afraid of losing it all. And like the great Dennis Brutus laments"the thought of pain's return brings pain." Well anyway, I'm trying not to make this too blue but it's kinda hard: I'm PMSing and it's a dark rainy day outside, the mixture is deadly....
I was all set to do a blog on how Ren can kiss my butt. Things were going cool till he went out of town on business. He comes back in town, cranky as an old man with hair up his ass, and is attitudinal with me on the phone. Friday, I leave an urgent voice mail for him to call me back after that crank call and he does. Lackluster attitude. On reflection, I guess it was b'cos he had had a long day and was really exhausted. I don't hear from him till Sunday morning, attitude still smelling like three day old boiled fish. Plunged ME in a bad mood and when I don't hear from him as promised, I call him and the converse is still not too much to my liking. He asks to get off the phone so that he can figure out an exit( he's on the road) and I don't hear from him till a week later.
By then, I have stewed, fumed, ranted and raved. I decide that I'm giving him the two week stretch. After that, by then, his trifiling ass would be history. I really started getting pissed just thinking about him. Come Sunday, a week later and I reckon he'd have called by tonite,if not then the two week stretch is reduced to one. I wake up and while cleaning the bathroom I think up all kinds of choice words to tell him if he shows his damn voice on my phone. He does call in the afternoon and the thrill that ripples thru me is absolutely absurd. I tell myself it's b'cos I'm gonna get the chance to chew him up and spit him out. I have a real laid back attititude till a demon in there somewhere points out that that speech I composed earlier shouldn't go to waste. So I let it out and in so doing let the nigger get to me. He got off the phone and I spent the rest of the evening beating myself up about my lack of self control. I tried to call him back, he wouldn't answer till I left a threatening message. Still didn't call me till like ten or eleven.
After that I was satisfied. Now I could get him. Cos somewhere down the line his chain on me broke. I couldn't give a rat's ass about him as I write right now. Sure, I think he's cool and (I've never done this b4) but I'll probably kick it with him when I go to Pgh, but right now, I'm rethinking this whole me and Ren situation. I gathered that he still wants me to come to the Burgh for Mem. Day, and though he senses my reluctance, he refuses to beg. That's Ren for you. Like Dee's friend Justina puts it" He has airs". He really does, and since I've got airs myself, I think there's going to be a lot of clashing.
Yeah, I think I better think it out again.

 
WOW
I can't believe just how much TIME has zoomed by. Last I remember I was thinking to myself "It's another Monday, I have to post my weekly blog" That was a week after the last blog. And then the time slowly snaked by, now, it's almost a month and I'm just now doing this.
As is the nature of my techni-color life, a lot has gone down. I think this spring, God has decided to use the season to clean out some of my old burdens and help me face up to some demons and slaying whatever dragons need to be slayed.
Dragon One: INS. I finally make it to the Immigration Services of Catholic Charities and as I feared, I have screwed myself over with all that procrastination. One thing in my defense, I had no idea of the existence of the Catholic Charities in Memphis, and until Abby did it in Dec and told me who helped her, I was unaware that Memphis offered the same deals. Well anyway, me thinking I needed to have at least $1500 to start the process was holding me back and now I find that I could have accomplished it all for less than a 1000 but b'cos I wasted so much time, now it's gonna cost me. Talk about wanting to club myslf over on the head. Well, I've taken the required leap of faith and plunged into the whole process. I'm keeping my head up and my eyes on the hills.
Dragon Two: The thing most feared in secret always happens. Maybe not always but this case was a classic. And that's how I knew God was showing me just how much of my strength I have gotten back. I walked into Burlington coupla Saturdays ago and came face to face with that Kenyan skank. Bam!! First person I saw. I held a her eyes for a full minute. I recognised her and the impact was so strong that I held her eyes for a full minute, just staring at her. Jackhammers slamming at full force inside me, I lingered for a bit, browsing the earrings and trying to make sure it was the heifer. So I put it to the test. "Excuse me, you know what time the store closes?" I got my confirmation with the English that spilled outta that wench's snout. I would have found it hilarious in any other situation, matter of fact, now, looking back, it's really amusing. Anyway, I also discover that she's haggle-toothed and has the smile of a rabbit. A coffee colored smile at that. After the initial flustering, during which I call Mill just to let him know what has happened and all, I leave the store. Suddenly I lost my focus. And I need that; it's essential, when I'm shopping on a tight budget. I ain't no amateur. So I home, talk with Mill, who more or less calms me down. In a way I was already calm when I got home, but I guess I needed that extra bit of reinforcement. After a while I change clothes and Mill gives me a $100 to get something for myself. I go back to the store and that becomes the end of that.
Analysis. I had always been dreading this event ocurring. I really thought I wouldn't be able to take it. In fact, it had happened last year or b4 I went to PGH, it would probably have undone me. The fact that I was even able to step to the girl, without the usual feeling of nausea I experience whenever I think about that shit is evidence of something I'm starting to realize, but too scared to say out loud in case I jinx it. I really think the chains are coming off. That's all I'll say for now. Another fact, while I'm browsing the earrings I'm actually seeing them. Any other way I'd be looking at the earrings unseeingly, my mind being full of what was going on. In it all, I felt a sense of detachment and to be honest with myself, I think I did all that fluster and drama shit cos it was kinda required. I mean, I thought that's what I'd always do if it happened. I think with some effort, okay, a whole of effort, I could have just walked away and shook it outta my hair. Difficult, but not impossible. Congratulations, Patricia, you've graduated to the next level. Before I leave this topic, I'll say one thing, I walked away also extremely baffled at Mill's inadequate sense of self. There has to be something fundamentally wrong to make you skip over a good looking( at least normal looking) girl and chase after a buck-toothed mare like that one. I really need God to understand that by using all these choice insults, I'm freeing my mind and letting all the animosity loose. Anyway, it defies normal logic to me. But I guess its the same thing that drove Prince Charles to skip over Lady Di for Camilla Parker Bowles. I imagine that he figured he would have less people wondering what the hell.. with that gal by his side. I already know it. That picture is not right.
Dragon Three: My belonophia is I think about to be put to rest. It's finally here. The situation when I have to have a physical exam. Blood drawn, immunizations. We're talking a lot of needles here. And it's mandatory. I gotta to it for immigration. I'm scared outta my mind but I'm also adopting a buffalo stance. Courtesy of God. He says He's going to be there during the experience so even though I might have to eat my words when I'm crying and hollering and struggling with the nurses, I say bring it on. Amen.