WHAT HAS BEEN UP.
Okay, so here goes. I'm not even going to yap on and on about how long it's been since I've been here. I've got two good excuses this time. Still, I'm amazed they haven't deactivated me.
Anyway, like I said, I got two good excuses.
One, I didn't want to blog too much in case Mill, my psycho ex, tracked me down to this place and read everything. God knows this is the one place where I really let it all go.
Two, I started a second job. Nuff said.
But hey, now that I have the freedom, I can and will blog anytime I like.
You notice I said the word
freedom. Yes, I did. I'm free. I'm out of that house and out of that jail sentence I was calling a relationhsip. Sure, Mill, being the pitiful miserable excuse for all manhood that he is and will forever be, is still trying to make my life as much hell as he can, but he can only do it from afar.
As we speak, I've been living on my own since the beginning of Dec, and it's pure bliss. Sure, I don't get to spend much time at home cos of my two jobs, but when I do, it's hassle free, and like I said, pure unrefined bliss.
I got a tiny one-bedroom townhouse for a good bargain on the same property I've been living in, and by God's undying grace, I was able to trade the Honda Civic in for a Jeep Liberty. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but my life, as nondescript as it is, would be colorfully perfect, but for one thing.
When I started doing my second job (part time at Home Depot) I came eye to eye with one of the most.... I can't find the words to describe him... man I've laid eyes on. Matter of fact, I was infatuated right there. I won't call it love at first sight, there's no such thing, (he could have buck teeth or something) but I came pretty close.
I know it's sounds like I'm starting to develop an acute case of Latinophilia, maybe I am, but at this point, I'm going to put it down to sheer coincidence. Cos, first Luis, now Juan? What the hell?
But hey, there it is. I got the Juan disease like some ebola. I almost passed out with disappointment when I found out that he was going to be gone from work for six weeks. I mean, here was a guy who I took one look at and suddenly all my principles were out the window:
I don't date men I work with, shorter men, married men, all that. I realized from that one look that I was staring straight at the man who could clean push Pharrell out. That revelation floored me, I tell you. And I find out that, even before I can get to know him, he's gonna be gone that long?
It was painful, but I held on-to hope that can make or break you. Cos I realized that the hope that is hard to kill, that frail kind, can also be your undoing, cos after you realize that the picture you've been holding on to all this time was simply a mirage, well, you're fucked.
So yeah, I moved to my new place with nothing but Juan, like Georgia, on my mind. Everytime I decorated with guests in mind, I would mostly see his picture on in my head. Not like a pyscho crush or anything like that, but since he was going to be my boyfriend and visit me a lot...Oh God.
Anyway, in due course, I found out some things about him from the people in his department, that even further endeared the young man to me. So! he was the head of his dept. In the military, had been in Afgh for 18 months, oh the impression went on and on. Needless to say, I was fully enarmored of Juan by the time he was due back. And I'll never forget how I felt when I looked up from my register and there he was. See, his dept faces mine so I can see him from where I work and when I got there and saw that his place was empty, I felt a little crushed. Apparently, he had been out to lunch. Something made me look up a little later( okay, maybe not something, just the little thing that was making look over there every 17 or so seconds) and I saw him walk in. I never thought I'd see the day the simple sight of the back of someone's head would make be feel like I'd finally come home. It was the wierdest sensation I've ever experienced. Suddenly, a silly smile, from absolutely nowhere, found it's way to my face and stayed there for a while. Suddenly, it was a very wonderful world and I was having a lovely day....
I wish the story had ended here. I froze when he finally met my eye, I couldn't do anything but look away. And I damn near killed myself with aberration. I kept on screaming at God to do something; He did. At the end of the night, Juan came over to talk to me. I don't want to sound like I'm wishfully thinking, but he sounded a bit rehearsed. Within minutes, he had told me he was single and didn't have a life outside of the army and HD. Then he asked me how old I was.
And then, with all the grace of an old building facing a blast of dynamite, my dreams crushed. He is four years... you guessed it, younger. I thought if my heart beat any faster, at that time, I really would pass out.
So yeah, he asked me things about me and I asked him things about him. We had the shortest but most revealing conversation I've ever had with anyone. Like I said, I don't it to sound like wishful thinking, but it looked an awful lot to me that he had been planning to ask me those series of questions whenever he saw me.
What's my problem? My take on this entire situation is that: okay, he was as attracted to me as I was to him( maybe not in the same doses) but age is something he thought about. Why else would he ask me, within minutes of our very first converse, how old I was? I had asked him to guess and I remember him actually guessing if I was the same age as he. See, on my end, I can't do anything serious with a younger guy, sure, we would date, kick it, whatever, but that would end there. But I have had serious plans for Juan. At the revelation, I realized I couldn't have what I had planned but I still wanted to hang with him.
As we speak, I can't tell what he's up to. I mean, he speaks to me everytime he sees me and does flirt a little, but I really would like to for him to be as direct as he was the first night. I've waited too long for his ass. Maybe he got a little intimidated when he got to know me and saw my truck (you'd be surprised), I don't know. I've gone thru being disappointed, wanting to give it all up, hope again. I'm about to lose my mind. He really needs to come on, like I said, I've waited to long for his ass.
